A Stranger Calls

                                     Is it really never too late to ask for forgiveness?

A sister desperately needs to talk to her brother, it’s been months since they’ve last spoken or seen each other. Starting with their mother, Elana has called everyone she could think of who might know the whereabouts of her brother Eric. She doesn’t care that they have not spoken or seen each other in a while. She loves him dearly and now frantically searches for him. She knows her time is running out and

That it is only a matter of days before it will be too late. On the third day of her search her mother gives Elana a number to call. It’s for an old female acquaintance of her brothers that their mother recently ran into. Elana calls the number and is given the last number that this friend had for her brother Eric. When she calls the number she is pleased and relieved to hear his voice.

Hello Eric speaking.

Elana: Eric this is Elana, how have you been big brother. I’ve been trying for days to contact you. Why haven’t you called me Eric? She says excitedly

Eric: Hey sis how have you been? It’s good to hear your voice. I’ve been doing ok; I just started a new job at a warehouse in Forestville. So I’ve been busy with that.

Elana: Eric that doesn’t explain you not contacting me in all this time. I’ve missed you.

Eric: I’ve missed you too baby girl, my friend told me she saw ma. But you of all people know how my life has been. I’m really trying to get my life together this time Lana. I’m forty-eight and too old for the dumb shit I use to get myself into. I’ve got my own place now and I’m working a good job.

Elana: Eric that’s wonderful and I’m glad to hear it, but you know if you ever needed help with anything I’m always here for you.

Eric: I know Lana but when do I stop leaning on my baby sister and her husband? I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me Lana. I really do and I’m man enough to admit that. I do plan on paying you back for everything you’ve done to help me. This new job is working out really well for me.

Elana: You know it’s not about that, I don’t care about you paying me back anything. You’re my brother and I love you. There are only two of us now and we need to stick together.

Eric: I know Lana; I just didn’t want to come around you until I was sure I had everything where it needs to be. I want you and ma to be proud of me as a brother and a son. I just want to clean up my act because I don’t see too many more chances coming for me.

Elana: We’ve always been proud of you Eric, none of us had it easy growing up. And it would have been a hell-of-a-lot harder if we didn’t have you to protect us. Even in the hardest times we never forgot or stopped loving you.

Eric: Thank you Lana, that really means a lot to me. Now I feel bad for not having called you or ma before now.

Elana: Don’t, I understand and it’s not a problem. I know you’ve spoken to ma on occasion, but you’re a hard man to find when you don’t want to be found, even for her.

 Eric: I never could keep much from you, not even when we were kids. You always knew when something was up with me. I knew it wasn’t much but I would call ma every now and then just to talk for a minute, I’d ask her not to tell you we’d spoken until I was ready to call you. I wanted it to be a surprise when we did hook up. And now that we have I want to take you and ma to dinner this weekend.

Elana: That would be great Eric, I know ma would love that and so would I.

Elana: Eric now that we have re-connected let me tell you why it was so urgent for me to find you.

Eric: Sure Lana, whatever you need just say the word and it’s done.

Elana: Good Eric because what I have to tell you may be difficult for you to hear and even harder for you to do.

Eric: Go right ahead Lana, I’m all ears.

Elana: Eric, Sherman is dying and he wants to see you before it’s too late, before he dies.

There is a long pause between the siblings. For a long while Eric says nothing, he heard what his sister said but he doesn’t know exactly what his response should be. He lets her words sink in as he considers his response to her inquiry.

Elana: Eric you still there? Did you hear what I said?

Eric: Yeah Lana I heard what you said. I honestly don’t know what to say to that. You know exactly how I feel about that motherfucker.

Elana: I know Eric but he’s dying and in a lot of pain, he’s been asking to see you for days. It seems he can’t stop asking about you.

Eric: Fuck him and his pain is nothing compared to what we went through, Lana you know I love you and I’d do anything in the world for you, you know that. But as far as I’m concerned we never had a father and I don’t give a fuck if that sorry piece of shit nigga dies today or tomorrow!

Elana: Eric please, hear me out, I know hearing that must have been hard for you but can’t we let the past go. I used to feel the same way you do, but over the years I’ve learned to let those feelings go. I don’t forgive him anything, but I can’t live with hate in my heart for the rest of my life. The man is dying Eric can’t we put our bad feelings aside in this case.

Eric: Have you gone to see him already?

Elana: Yes, I’ve been to the hospital two times. I’ve even met three of his other children.

Eric: Other children! That motherfucker has at least three other kids? Hell, I don’t know why I’m surprised. To be honest with you Lana I really don’t want to hear anymore about his ass or his other kids.

Elana: I know I’m asking you a lot Eric but can you find it in your heart to go see him just one time for only a few minutes?

Eric: Lana I really can’t understand why this is so important to you. Has that bastard ever tried to contact any of us? What-the-fuck did he ever do for any of us including ma. So he’s dying and now he wants to see his kids. What-the-fuck kind of bullshit is that? When he could have been with us our whole damn lives he chose not to be. Now the motherfucker is dying and daddy wants to see his kids.

Elana: Eric trust me, I do know how you feel and I can’t make you do this. Just hear me out one last time, don’t do it for him, ma or yourself. Like you said the hell with him, I do understand that. Eric I have always depended on you our whole lives. You have always been my hero of a big brother coming to my rescue when I needed you. Even when you’re not around we are always connected. We have always been close after everything that’s happened in our lives and I cherish that. Please do this one thing for me and for the family that we’ve lost. You’re the oldest and you represent us, so for Paul, Deborah and Dolores please do this and I will never ask you for anything again.

Eric: Lana this is that important to you?

Elana: Yes Eric it is, because I have accepted things the way they are and I can forgive the past.

Eric: Lana you always had a way of getting to me like no one else could. I guess you always will sis. If this means so much to you I’ll go see his dying ass, not for me but for our family.

Elana: Thank you Eric, this means a lot to me, I love you Eric.

Eric: I love you too Lana.

Elana: Do you want me to take you where he is?

Eric: No just tell me where he’s at and the room number. I’ll make my way there tomorrow.

Elana: Ok, call me at home if you want to talk afterwards. Even if you don’t want to talk about him please call me. 

Eric: I will Lana. Talk to you later.

Elana gives her brother the name of the hospital where there father has been admitted and his room number. She also tells him that visiting hours are tightly controlled because there are many terminal patients in the ward he’ll be visiting.

That night as he lies in bed Eric thinks long and hard about the conversation he had with his sister. He can’t sleep even though he’s been drinking since he hung up with her hours ago. Eric swore he’d never touch alcohol again after the last incident he was involved in. But the news his sister gave him has taken a toll on him. In spite of all he’s been through and all the shit he knows he’s put her through she loves him without condition. He is still conflicted about what she asked him to do. Although he hates it he knows he will do as she asked, only because he loves her. He eventually goes to sleep once he justifies in his own mind a more personal reason for paying Sherman a visit.

The next evening at 8PM Eric finds himself standing outside the hospital where his father is dying. A friend at the warehouse gave him a ride after work. He decides to walk in before he changes his mind. He intentionally chose to come late in the evening just before visiting hours are terminated at 9PM. He doesn’t want to be in that man’s presence any longer than he has to be. Eric tells himself that no matter how long he stays he kept the promise that he made to his sister.

He walks in without checking in at the front desk and goes straight to the elevator. He takes it up to the 8^th floor and follows the numbered signs to room 821. As Eric approaches the hall leading to his fathers room which is at the end of the corridor he notices four people leaving the room he’s going to. He sits down in a chair across from the empty nurse’s station. Eric discreetly watches the four individuals as they approach him, sign out on the visitors log and quietly pass him on there way to the elevator.  The four do not speak to each other as they walk together holding hands but Eric notices the profound sadness they each show on there faces. Tears falling from both the women’s eyes as they try to control the sadness they feel, the men with them try to appear stoic but the sadness easily shows through. After they get on the elevator Eric walks over to the visitors log and reads the names of the four people who just left Sherman’s room, and notes that all four signed the log as Sherman’s children and they didn’t stay very long according to the log times. Walking down the corridor Eric notices that there is an un-nerving smell in the air on this floor. For some reason a voice in his mind tells him it’s the smell of death. That thought doesn’t bother him, in fact it almost gives him a sense of comfort that maybe Sherman is dead and he won’t have to deal with him. What-the-fuck Eric thinks to himself, the motherfucker got to see his other kids before he died. Eric stops at the closed door, not sure if he wants to walk in or not. His heart is beating slightly faster than it should and he even feels himself tremble a little. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, opens his eyes and walks in the room. The first thing he notices in the dimly lit room is the smell, a sickly combination of antiseptic and the death smell he noticed earlier.

He looks past the empty bed closest to him and stares at the occupied bed. Eric stares at the sleeping figure, and decides that at one time he was a good sized man in his youth. The man now appears quite frail, IV’s and monitors hooked up to his body. The monitors make no sound but Eric can see the electronic pulses and other activity on the screens that monitor the man’s vital signs indicating that he is not dead yet. Eric looks from one monitor to the next, one in particular catches his attention, it says morphine drip control unit. All three monitors though show some signs of life in the now frail man lying in the bed. He stares at the old man lying there and thinks he himself looks nothing like that old bastard, the only similarity being their height and size.

Eric slowly walks over to the bed, takes away one of the two chairs on the right side of the bed and sits down. Eric stares at the two remaining chairs on the far side of the bed. No doubt his other children sat in a circle around him as they visited him.   

As Eric sits beside the bed and stares at the man lying there, hundreds of questions race through his mind. Years of questions he needs answers to. He wonders if even a fraction of them will or can be answered here tonight before this motherfucker checks out. He decides that it doesn’t really matter, nothing this old man can say to him is going to matter or change a damn thing. He decides to leave after only a few second of looking at the dying old man. Having kept his promise to his sister to come see the motherfucker before he checks out, conversation is neither desired nor required. Eric stands, turns toward the door and begins to walk away when his father speaks.

“Son, is that you?” “Eric is that you son? Please sit down.” Eric turns toward the man’s voice, looks at him and slowly returns to his seat. The elder man holds out both his hands and begins to open his arms as if he wants to hug Eric. Eric sits down and does not move he is repulsed by the thought of touching him and the smell that lingers over him. Ignoring the gesture he simply stares at the man in the bed. “Son can you please give me a hug? “I miss you son.” Eric notices Sherman’s voice is still rather strong for a man in his condition, not broken or soft  but it seems to hurt him to speak louder than he is. As if there is a problem with his throat. Then Eric notices the small bandage just below his Adams Apple. “I don’t want to hug you.” Eric says, as he looks in his fathers eyes. Sherman puts his arms down, obviously hurt that his son doesn’t want to touch him. He continues speaking to his son. “Son, you’re my oldest, there is so much I want to tell you and talk to you about before it’s too late.” “Your sister was here a few days ago.” “We had a good visit, she really grew up into a good woman, I only wish she had a grandson for me to hug as well.” Sherman looks at his son and continues speaking in a strained voice due to his pain. “You see son I’m dying of renal failure, the doctors say I’m too old for a kidney transplant so I can’t get on any of the donor lists.” “The best they can do for me is manage my pain, I only have one kidney with partial function and son you wouldn’t believe the pain I’m in, sometimes it’s so bad I can’t take it anymore.” “Son I have a big favor to ask of you, would you agree to be tested to see if we’d be a match for a kidney transplant.” “I need a kidney son and the only way that’s gonna happen is if one of my male children donates a kidney to me, I don’t want to die son.” “Would you please help me, would you do this for your father?” 

Eric stares at Sherman dumb founded, not sure what to say to him if anything. Then Eric notices something in the old man’s aged eyes as he speaks something that is very familiar. A look Eric has seen all his life but could never give it a name, it stirs very negative feelings in him and it pisses him off.

Looking at Sherman and listening to the bullshit he just ran down on him, Eric decides he will have the conversation with him he’s always wanted to have.

“Just who the fuck do you think you are, my head is all kind of fucked up listening to you.” “What the fuck makes you think I give a damn about you dying of anything, I haven’t seen or heard from you in how long?, my whole fuckin’ life and you have the balls to ask me for a fuckin’ kidney.” 

 “I’m your oldest,” “there is so much you want to talk to me about,” “so much you need to say to me.” “Because you’re dying you think that gives you that right, after all these fuckin’ years to claim fatherhood for a son you abandoned years ago.” “After all this damn time I’m supposed to embrace you as my father and help you, give you one of my kidneys. Old man you must be delusional or that shit they have you on has you tripin’ to think I would be stupid enough to agree to some shit like that, and believe me, I’m far from stupid”

“Now I totally understand why you wanted to see me so damn desperately, I know you didn’t tell Lana that bullshit about you needing me to donate a kidney to your ass, because she would have told you to go straight to hell.”

“I don’t know how long your ass has been here dying but I would probably be right in guessing all your other male children, and who the fuck knows how many that is, told you to go straight to hell too.” “Otherwise I wouldn’t be here, well you can add my name to the list too motherfucker, fuck you!” “Before I leave here though I have a hell of a lot to say to you.”

“First of all, What-the-fuck do you know about my sister or me for that matter?” “Hell, what about the three of my brothers and sisters who aren’t here anymore?” “And don’t call me son again, I’m not your fuckin’ son and I never have been.” Eric responds.

Sherman starts to call Eric son again but catches himself. “Eric, please there is so much I want to tell you about my past. I know your upset with me and you have a right to be, but there are things you don’t know. I’m still your father whether you like it or not and we need to talk. So would you please give me a chance and listen to me, please, I’m begging you son.”

“Hold the fuck up, you’re still my what? Did you say you’re my father so I have to listen to you! Old man who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? Motherfucker you haven’t been shit to me or any of my brothers and sisters in over forty years! The only reason I’m here is because now, after all these decades you need something from me.” Eric responds angrily. Eric at this moment is trying with all his might to contain the fury he feels. He now knows the only way to get rid of what he’s feeling is to tell this man who calls himself his father exactly what’s on his mind and what he feels in his heart.

“You know I honestly don’t know where to start with you, but let me tell you something off the break. Before you get shit twisted and all fucked up you need to know that I feel exactly nothing for you old man. The only reason I brought my black ass here is because I promised my sister Lana I would. I love her with all I have in me and I promised her I would come see your dying old ass.” Eric pauses briefly to allow himself to calm down. “If that is how you feel then please leave Eric, I see we have nothing to talk about and you’re not going to help me no matter what I say.” Sherman says as he looks away from Eric.

Eric stands and points at Sherman and then holds his fist inches away from Sherman’s face. “Oh, hell nah! Old man, you don’t get rid of me that easy, I’m gonna be here now for a while.” “Everything in me that’s fucked up is about to be released on your dying ass tonight goddamnit, and your right, you can forget about the kidney thing.” Eric says to Sherman in a menacing voice. Sherman looks up at his son standing over him and speaks.

“I’m dying Eric, can’t we make peace, can we do that please.” Sherman pleads. “Fuck no! I have a lifetime of fucked up experiences to tell you about old man and your gonna listen if it takes all night.”

Sherman reaches for the intercom on his bed to call the duty nurse so that Eric can be removed from his room. Eric stops him and whispers something in Sherman’s ear. Sherman looks into his son’s eyes and puts the intercom down. At that moment a very young looking nurse making her rounds enters the room. She informs Eric that visiting hours are over and that all visitors are required to leave now.

Eric walks to the foot of Sherman’s bed, stands there and stares at him. “Nurse this is a friend of my family, I haven’t seen him in a while, there is no one else in the room but us. Is there any way he can stay with me a while, my youngest daughter was allowed to stay overnight with me a few days ago, please I don’t have much time,” Sherman asked.

“That would be ok as long as you feel up to it Mr. Sherman.” “I’m going off duty now so I tell you what; I just won’t let the duty nurse know you have a late visitor.” “Good night Mr. Sherman, I’ll see you in the morning.” Responds the nurse as she turns to walk away. 

Sherman replies that he will be fine and the nurse leaves the room.  Eric returns to the seat he was in after the nurse leaves the room. “Now old man before we get this going what exactly is it you want to say to me,” says Eric

“Eric I just want you to know that I love all my children. I’m sorry for not being there for you when you were growing up, but Eric back then things were different, I was different and I was young and didn’t understand what it was to be a father. For that mistake I have felt shame all my life. Can you understand what I’m saying son, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Eric says nothing at first; he stands and approaches the bed. He takes the beds control and raises the head to almost ninety degrees and he sits at the foot of the bed, looking at his father.

“That’s the best you can do, can I forgive you and you’re sorry. I have a better question, why should I forgive your sorry ass? I don’t know or even remember you, but I know this. I sure as hell remember every moment of my life without a father being there with us. I remember every night my mother went to bed crying because it was such a struggle for her to take care of us on her own. I remember her not abandoning us when she could have done the same shit you did. I remember the pain she felt each time one of her children died. I remember her getting beat by sorry ass boyfriends and I was powerless to help her. She hung in there and sacrificed her whole life for us. So to ask me to forgive your ass for abandoning us is one more slap in the face to me and my family. Before you die I want you know what it was like for us growing up. I’d like to be here when you breathe your last useless breath. I want the satisfaction of watching you die helpless and useless, the way vulnerable children are helpless when they have no one there to protect and guide them. Before that happens though you need to know what our lives were like.”

“I honestly don’t know where to begin old man, so we’ll start with my first memories of grade school. I’ll tell you this too old man; you will listen to every goddamn word I have to say to you, even if it takes all fuckin’ night.”

Sherman can say nothing, he can do nothing, he is totally helpless as his son talks and his life sign monitors quietly tract his vital functions, his heart monitor reacting occasionally as he listens to his son. He simply sits in his bed, sitting up in the position his son put him in and the pain he feels in his back he keeps to himself. He wishes now that he had never asked to see his oldest child. He had not anticipated that there would be so much fury in the man who now sits at the foot of his bed. Sherman had hoped all his children would embrace him in his final hours, he was wrong. Even though he has never been in any of there lives for any significant amount of time. He wanted to die knowing that they had forgiven him and that they had some degree of love for him. He wanted so badly to be acknowledged as their father, to at least share some small part of lives he had nothing to do with cultivating before death takes him. He also realizes now that most if not all of the hatred being directed at him now is partly his own fault. So he decides with his last bit of strength he will listen to the story this man who he cannot embrace as his son has to tell.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to sit in a classroom full of kids your age? Kids that are not related to you, at a new school, say around 6 years old, and the teacher asks each child to stand, say their name and what their father does for a living. Before the teacher got to me all the kids proudly talked about what they knew of their fathers work. I remember it even being a little funny when six year olds try to describe an adult’s job they know nothing about and the teacher playfully helps them along. Well there wasn’t a damn thing funny about what I had to say when it was my turn to speak.”

“Being six years old I proudly stood up, put my hands at my side, looked around the class as I said my name smiling and said with a child’s innocence, ‘I don’t know what my daddy do, he don’t live wit us, my mommy say he ain’t shit.’ “All the children put their hands over their mouths and ears and I didn’t know what to think.”

The teacher immediately stood up and shouted “Eric go to the back of the room and stand in the corner!”

“That came with a smack across the ass as the bitch escorted me to the corner.

Where I was made to stand until lunch hour, and I had no idea what I had done to be punished and humiliated like that. Then I had to eat by myself because the teacher wouldn’t let any of the other kids sit with me. Now I don’t know how many babies you have in the world or how many of them you actually had a hand in raising. But kids can be extremely cruel to each other, that’s something else I learned quickly after I started going to school. I remember telling my mother about that day in school after I got home; she hugged me and told me I had done nothing wrong. I clearly remember her saying to me “Baby it’s not your fault, I don’t want you to be ashamed of anything. Your daddy didn’t want to stay with us, but it’s ok because we have each other and I will take care of our family.”

“I do remember her taking me to school the next day and going to that teacher’s ass, not physically but with words. I learned two very important lessons that day, that my mother was my protector and never to talk about your sorry ass in public if it could be avoided.”

“You see old man I learned at an early age how fucked up it was to not have a father around. There were other kids in my situation and we learned to keep certain shit to ourselves. The strange thing about that is we could look at each other and somehow we knew that we were the fatherless children. The kids who were not good enough to be friends with children who had both parents, we were the fuckin’ outcasts even in our own schools and neighborhoods.” Sherman says nothing; he simply listens to his son, sadness showing all over his face and the pain in his back growing.

“Then motherfucker there were the times the school would have activities like fathers coming to lunch day, father son activities day, bring your father to school day, father son dress alike day, father son field trips and shit that I wasn’t allowed to go on because of you. Back then schools incorporated a lot of activities around the family. All this father son shit and your sorry fuckin’ ass was nowhere to be found and we had to carry that shame. Now mom did her best to be with all of us when she could for school functions but she had to work. Since we lived with our grandparents, on occasion grandfather would come to a function if he could. It was nice being with him; I’d walk next to him proudly holding his hand, my little chest full of pride. Because I had a man with me too like everybody else, a real life full grown man.”

“But I would always see that fuckin’ look in every body’s eyes, the kids, the fathers and the fuckin’ teachers. That look that says you don’t have a father and I do. That look that said to me your old grandfather is not your real daddy. That your one of those fatherless kids and I’m not and I’m better than you. I learned to spot that arrogant, conceited look in people’s eyes, that look that says I’m better than you and your nothing.”

“But you know something; my grandfather gave me the key to get over all that bullshit.” “He explained to me in very simple terms I didn’t have to try so hard to make people like me or except me. They either would or they wouldn’t, so to hell with them. You just find something your good at and be the best at it and when you make real friends you’ll know because they’ll always be there for you and you for them.”

“It broke my little heart when grandfather died a year later. I remember thinking another man, my grandfather left us all alone again and it hurt like hell. But at least he was there for us my whole life up to that time. Shortly after he died though other things changed for us, and I didn’t know why until years later, but I’ll come back to that.”

“But before grandfather died I made him proud because I quickly learned what it was I was good at, fighting and academics. Grandfather and I would spend hours watching boxing matches and I’d listen to him talk about the great fighters of his day. He would even show me a lot of different moves and explain to me why they worked or didn’t. I took that shit and I learned to fight the hard way, in the streets, after taking a few ass kicking’s I got good at it real fast, which would cause me no end of trouble later in my life. But in time I became the defender of my family because we had no one else to protect us.”

“I also learned quickly that grandfather was right about something else, after I learned I really had a talent for my school work, I soon became a star pupil. And in time nobody cared I didn’t have a father like they did because I had something they didn’t. I could hold my head up high because I was smarter than them. I took great pride in the fact that many kids hated that about me and my brothers and sisters. But because I could also kick the shit out of many of them nobody fucked with us.”

“Mom was always so proud of the grades we brought home, our papers and report cards always made her smile. But you know another thing we, the fatherless children learned, we were always among the smartest kids in any class throughout school. I never could figure that one out, my brothers and sisters included were very smart students. As were most of the other fatherless children I’ve ever met growing up, though many of us fucked up royally later in life. We did lack a serious component in our lives though, any fuckin’ idea what that could be old man?”

Eric directs that question at Sherman and he says nothing, only the deep sadness in his eye responds for him. Eric continues. “Another thing that I’ve always had is one hell of a memory, which allows me to relive this shit over and over again.”

“For instance, like how the holiday gatherings we use to look forward to going to every year all of a sudden changed after grandfather died. You still with me old man? You need to listen to this shit, I’m about to tell you some real shit.” Eric states.

Sherman responds by nodding his head, the pain in his back starting to get worse.

“Eric would you please lower the bed just a little, my back is starting to hurt.” He asks.

“Fuck you and your back; I’m not going to let your ass go to sleep on me. And the pain in your back is nothing compared to the pain we’ve suffered, so your just gonna have to man-the-fuck-up deal with the shit. The same way we were forced to deal with our pain, hit that damn morphine drip button, you’ll be alright.” Eric tells his father.

“As I was saying family gatherings use to be fun at first because it gave us a sense of belonging within the family, that we were accepted for who we were. I started out truly loving all the grown-ups as only a child could. I looked up to every adult in  the family who would come to picnics, cookouts and holiday dinners, until some shit kicked off at one particular Christmas dinner that I would never forget.”

“I really thought those bastards cared about us, then after grandfather died I learned that the only reason we were tolerated was because of him. Can you imagine what it’s like when a child enters a room full of his aunts, uncles and adult cousins and he is referred to as one of Donnas little bastards, the adults would smile and laugh when they’d say that shit so I thought it was a good thing at first.” “Do you know what it’s like when you’re told to leave a room your other little cousins can enter, they are welcomed and not talked about like animals, especially when your mother is not there to see it or hear it?”

“Of course the child doesn’t know at first their talking about him and his family in a fucked up way but then you realize that you’re treated differently than other kids in the family, and you don’t know why. Your given different foods from the other kids when your mother is not around, certain family members don’t want you around their own kids. The presents we got at Christmas, if any, from those fuckers were a joke compared to other kids in the family.”

“I remember one specific year; I was ten years old when it was time for the children to open gifts from family members. All the other children got really nice toys and other gifts. My mother gave very expensive toys and gifts to her sister’s and cousins children because among the adults it had been pre-planned who was going to buy what for whom.” “Now mom only ever got one or two nice toys and clothes for each of us and that was fine, there were five of us.”

“Well on this particular fuckin’ Christmas day I clearly remember my family sitting at our mother’s feet at my aunts house after we ate dinner and we watched as gifts were exchanged back and forth among all the adults and kids in the family, and there were a lot of children. I remember the excited looks and smiles on all the kids faces as they opened their gifts and screamed out with joy. I remember the gifts from my mother to those other little motherfuckers, and at that time those were damn nice toys and other gifts. I remember my brothers and sisters sitting there waiting patiently for our gifts from the family, for our presents to come around, we watched for damn near an hour as the pile of wrapped gifts got smaller and smaller and not one of our names was called to get one.”

“My mother bought all that shit for other motherfuckers and not one of them even got her a gift, I remember Uncle Butch had to go back to grandmother’s house just to pick that shit up. Uncle Butch himself gave out four new bikes. We looked at mom and none of us could hold back the tears.

My mother jumped up and said, “What the hell is going on here. Where are the things for my kids?” Eric recalls his mother saying.

“You know what those rotten motherfuckers said to her? Her sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins, all them motherfuckers had the nerve to tell her that they were gonna take care of us later. My grandmother was in tears and so were we. I watched my mother turn into the Hulk on those motherfuckers.”

Eric demands that Sherman close his eyes as he describes what happened next, he wants Sherman to picture his mother in action defending her family from a bunch of sorry ass no good fuckers who would purposely treat children that way. To do what his sorry ass wasn’t around to do.   

“My mother stood there for a second taking in what her own sister said about taking care of us later and the look on her face turned menacing. When Ma spoke she was pissed."

“Oh hell no!, you niggers must be out of your goddamn minds if you think I’m gonna take this kind of shit from any of you motherfuckers. I do what we all agreed to do and you motherfuckers think I’m gonna let you get away with this shit, I could have spent my money on my own kids if I had known you fuckers were gonna pull this shit. I’ll be damn if I let any of you treat my kids this way.”

“She called the names of everyone she bought a gift or toy for and told those little bastards and the older teenagers to give her shit back. Those who didn’t respond she went to them, the fury in her eyes was like fire, no one said shit or tried to stop her. Throughout the house she went and took her gifts back.”

“She cursed every adult in that motherfucker out along the way, all except my grandmother and Uncle Butch who himself was disgusted by what they had done to us. I learned something else about my mother that day.  How strong she could be and that they were afraid of her, I had never heard my mother really curse or even seen her really angry but when she went off on those fuckers, not one of them made a move to stop her or even said shit back.” “Now uncle butch had her back because they were always close and he was like a surrogate father to us. I don’t think that is what really kept their asses from getting stupid though. They realized how ugly they really were and how fucked up it was to pull that shit on my mother and us.”

“My grandmother told everyone there that if grandfather were here they never would have pulled that stunt on mom. The old dude was really feared and respected by everybody in the family. I later learned that growing up grandfather always favored my mother since she was the youngest of his daughters; I guess many in the family always resented that so they took the shit out on us.”

“My mother gathered us up; we got our coats and got the fuck out of there. Uncle Butch walked grandmother to the car and loaded all those toys and shit in the truck, then when we were ready to go he started then turned off the car and went back inside my aunt’s house. About five minutes later he came out that motherfucker with two of the bikes he had brought over there. He tied them to the hood of his car and we got the fuck away from there.”  “Did you know that the family predicted that we would all end up in jail, as prostitutes or derelicts living on the streets? That’s what they thought of us, my own fuckin’ family. That was one of the last family functions we ever went to, our relationships with the entire sorry ass family changed after that.  It would be years before I would even speak to any of those bastards again.”

“Hey old man open your eyes, did you see that, was my description vivid enough for you to picture that shit? Did that give you even a small idea of the kind of shit we had to deal with growing up?”

Sherman looks at Eric and he has no idea what to say to him. He knows there is nothing that he can say that will erase away the pain of those early experiences. He looks at Eric then turns his head away in shame as he speaks..

“I don’t know what to say Eric, what would you have me do? I can’t change the past and I can’t say I’m sorry enough.”

“Your right about that old man but let me ask you a question, because what I told you is just the tip of the fuckin’ iceberg. I want you to answer me this, if you could change your life from what it was and instead been with us our whole lives as a father should be, would you?”

Sherman closes his eyes and opens them; he looks at Eric and gives him his answer.

“I’m too old to lie to you Eric and in too much pain, I had a good life and I’ve made many mistakes, as much as it hurts me to say this to you, I wouldn’t change my life as it has been. Not even to be the father that you needed me to be or the sixteen other children I have out in the world. Eric you don’t understand how things where back then, you don’t know how it was.”

“Motherfucker then make me understand why you abandoned us, tell me why you’d have kids and then just say the hell with them. We needed your sorry ass, and now death is knocking on your fuckin’ door and you need us for body parts and to forgive you. Is the answer the same for all your other children motherfucker or just us? Have any or all of them forgiven you for abandoning them, besides the four people I saw leave this room how many of your other children have forgiven your sorry ass?”

“Did any of them feel sorry enough for your ass to give you a kidney because you’re dying?”  There is a long pause between the two.

“Since you don’t have an answer for me it must have been hell no.” Sherman says nothing and refuses to answer Eric’s questions; the shame he feels prevents him from even looking at Eric. Eric looks at Sherman and he feels a rage build within him that he has felt many times in his life. There is an internal struggle building within him and he tries with all his might to control the thoughts and feelings he is experiencing.

“You lay your sorry ass there and you ask me to forgive you, how the fuck can you possibly think that I would ever do that. You know something old man; even if you would have lied to me about changing your life I wouldn’t have believed you. Obviously your idea of being a man was to live your life as you pleased, have goddamn babies everywhere with absolutely no intention of taking care of them what-so-ever. Did you even know that two of my sisters and my baby brother are dead?  Do you know how they died or when, I know your sorry ass wasn’t at their funerals.

Do you have any idea of the toll that took on Ma and the years it took her to get over their deaths? She had to watch three of her children die, no mother should have to deal with that, where the fuck were you when our lives unraveled?”

“Let me tell you how they died, kids with so much potential trying their hardest to do the right thing. But living in the hood in southeast D.C. and being left to the mercy of the streets took a serious toll on all of us, but I tried to protect us from a lot of that, I tried as hard as I could but I wasn’t able to protect us the way we needed and in some cases the wrong way, I ended up causing my family a lot of pain going to jail trying to do what I thought was right.”

“Paul died when he was 17; he and two friends were going out to celebrate their High School Graduation. Paul was always a good kid, not getting into trouble like me in the streets or in school. He had been accepted into the Air Force as a Communications Specialist, he was looking forward to starting his military career and going to college while serving in the Air Force. He and his friends went to a movie to celebrate and where heading to a pizza place afterwards. The car they where riding in was hit by a truck head on while they were stopped at a fucking traffic light.”

“Paul and the driver where killed instantly they told us and the boy in the back seat was crippled for life due to his injuries. Did you even know that my brother was dead, he had so much to live for and he was taken from us like that? The driver of the truck that hit their car wasn’t even scratched, the fucker was a repeat offender with multiple drunken driving convictions, and he had no insurance and no compassion for the three young lives he ruined. In court that bastard showed no remorse or regret and his lawyer portrayed the innocent victims as the guilty parties. They portrayed it like it was my brothers and his friends fault they where stopped at a fuckin’ light when he smashed into them. That motherfucker got off with a slap on the wrist again, I said fuck that, I eventually caught up to him and I dealt with his ass my way, I made sure he’d never kill another young person because he got off on getting fucked up drunk and getting behind the wheel of a car.”

Sherman looks at Eric and asks him what was it he did to the other driver. Eric tells Sherman it’s none of his fuckin’ business. Like the number of children he has out in the world that he never cared about but needs now.  “What happened to the driver that killed my baby brother is none of your fuckin’ business.” Eric tells Sherman to shut up and listen to how his two younger sisters died.

“Deborah and Delores were crushed by Paul’s death and so was I. We did our best to move forward with our lives the way Paul would have wanted. The girls were doing much better than me, for a while it looked like they would be fine. But it seemed that bad luck always found a way to fuck with us. Fourteen years later Deborah was diagnosed with and died from ovarian cancer, she was a nurse and engaged to be married to a good man.

She was on a fast track to get her career going and start her own family, then by the time we learned she had cancer it had spread to the point that there was nothing that could be done for her. We were with her when she died; she went peacefully in her sleep at 31.”

“Delores never really recovered from Deborah’s death, as much as we tried our best to help her. They were very close and when Deborah died it’s like a part of Delores died as well. What we didn’t know at the time was Delores had turned to drugs big time. I suspected it but by the time we found out what was really going on she died of a drug overdose at 35. I was in jail at the time for almost beating her sorry ass boyfriend nearly to death for beating on her. I always suspected him of turning her on to the shit that killed her. I was allowed to go to her funeral and then I spent the next three years in jail for assaulting the man who beat my sister. When I got out that motherfucker he was the first person I went to go see. Let’s just say he’ll never put his hands on anyone else’s sister or daughter.” Eric looks at his father and smiles but the smile doesn’t convey anything close to happiness.

Sherman looks at Eric and wishes that a nurse or a doctor would come into his room. This man who now sits at the foot of his bed terrifies him. There is a certain menace about him that is both frightening and foreboding. Sherman doesn’t want to hear anymore of these stories, these very tragic stories about people he doesn’t know. Even if they are his kids, he can’t change what happened and he can do nothing about there lives or deaths. This is not the reason he wanted to see his oldest son and he wishes that he’d just leave and let him die in peace. All Sherman wanted before he died was to be told by his kids that they loved him, even if it wasn’t true he just wanted to hear the words, and just maybe one of them would help him live a little longer. He see’s something else in Eric’s eyes now and it terrifies him, it has nothing to do with love.

“What do you think so far old man? Do you have anything to say?” “I use to always wonder what our lives may have been like if our father was with us, not anymore but that thought would creep into my mind from time to time. Now I will grant you this, I have met people who hated their father and the motherfucker lived with the family. He was usually an alcoholic, a deadbeat who wouldn’t work, a junkie or a women beater because he wasn’t man enough to do what he needed to as a man or father. Motherfuckers like that did nothing but bring shame to their families, and in many cases when a sorry fucker like that up and left, died or got locked up it was a cause for celebration. I already told you a little about how our lives have been; let me tell you a little about the woman you left behind with her five children.”

“My mother is kind, loving and generous, just as my grandmother was, she did the best she could with us and I give her all the credit in the world. She protected us, fed us, clothed us, kept a roof over our heads and sacrificed for us. I can’t say enough about her or praise her enough for the things she did for us. But I guess to someone like you that doesn’t mean Jack-shit right. She didn’t do anything more than what a mother is supposed to do for her children, right old man.”

“Was that the secret to your plan? You would choose to fuck women who in your estimate would be fine raising children without your sorry ass if they got pregnant?

My mother got us all to adulthood and did a good job; fate is what fucked us over. Obviously at least one of your other baby mama’s did the same thing since I saw four more of your grown children earlier.”

“Did you ask one of the men in that group for a kidney as well? I would have loved to have been here and seen the look on your face when one or both of them told you to go to hell. I’m happy as hell my mother is still here after all the shit she had to go through, but it damn sure wasn’t easy.  Old man my head is still fucked up about something though, I need to ask you a question again but first let me help you out with your lines.”

Eric walks over to where Sherman’s IV’s are set up, he traces the power cords for the morphine drip and the nurse station intercom and unplugs them. Sherman’s eyes go wide and he opens his mouth to say something then stops, he knows his words would have no effect on this man; Eric sits back in his seat.

“I noticed you pushing that damn morphine button a little too much, that shit must knockout the pain fast but it doesn’t last long does it. How does your back feel old man, I hope your pain won’t become too unbearable, we still have a long way to go.”

“Now the question I want the answer to is where does a sperm donor get off calling himself a father? Can you please answer that for me?” do that and I promise I’ll get the fuck outta here and let your old ass die in peace?”

Sherman does not want to speak, the pain in his back is so intense now he wants to scream out for someone to help him, any one, but he is afraid. He feels himself lose control of his bowels and he shits himself.

“Goddamn! Old man, did you shit on yourself?  Damn you stink, but I’ll be leaving soon and someone will come clean your sorry ass up. Being helpless is a fucked up feeling isn’t it old man? We still have more talking to do so deal with it.”

Sherman understands Eric wants him to suffer and humiliate him but he can’t understand what good his suffering will do to change anything; I’m dying Sherman thinks to himself

“Alright Eric I’ll try to answer your question, but first could you please plug my pain medication back in and let me call a nurse to help me?” Sherman pleads in a painful voice, his eyes starting to water and the feel of sitting in excrement is beyond humiliating.

“This is not a negotiation old man and after you shitted on yourself I don’t want to come anywhere near you; answer my question, what makes a sperm donor think he’s a father?” 

Read how this one ends when book 2 comes out in the spring of 2011.